It's a Process

March 26, 2014

It's a process. It's a process. It's a process.

That phrase has been floating around in my head all day, and probably with good reason. All I've managed to accomplish in the past three or four days is stuffing my face with leftover sweets from my birthday and setting up the Chromecast on my TV so that I can now watch Netflix on a bigger scale. I've been lazy - sloth-like, even. I work hard at school and since it's spring break I deserved a day or two to decompress. Plus, it was my birthday. I deserved a day or two off, I'll give myself that.

The problem with me is that I'm a doer. I may not describe myself necessarily as a go-getter, but I'm definitely a doer with a "make it work" outlook on life and a tendency to fill my plate to the brim with commitments I'm sure I can do. However, on the opposite end of my spectrum from the doer is the anti-doer. If I fall into a pattern of zero to little productivity I can get down right depressed. I never feel as happy, contented, or accomplished as when I'm doing something - no matter what it is. I have to have my mind or my hands into a new project or getting ready for a new task. Whenever I go into modes of low productivity I feel lost. Life becomes dull and I get tired all the time. I'll go into modes where I have all the will in the world, but no motivation. It's a trap and a time suck. I can waste days in front of the TV feeding myself emptiness and the problem is that my whole perspective gets skewed. After too many days of being the anti-doer or the sloth, if you will, most of my energy and motivation are depleted. I feel like I'm wasting my time and the bad side of my procrastinator tendencies flare up and suddenly grow out of control. If I stay stagnant for too many days in a row I'll drive myself crazy. I'm truly one of those people that embody the fact that bodies that stay in motion, will be more likely to stay in motion and bodies that remain stagnant, will remain stagnant. 

It's always a process to come out of the sloth phase and readjust to the doer phase of being. Today, I threw back the covers and turned off the Netflix. I made lists and I felt some deep small inkling of motivation return to me. As I went to an appointment and knocked out a simple task I felt more in equilibrium - more like myself. 

Tomorrow is a Wednesday and I haven't gotten even half of the things I've wanted to knock off my list for the break done. Initially, there's panic all over my body. I'm freaking out because why would I wait so long to start and literally do NOTHING for four days? Yes, I feel a great sense of panic and anxiety, but I know that I can get this done. I know that I will enjoy jumping back into my list. I've had time to reset and though it's been a process, I'm feeling more like myself. I'm feeling optimism and my "make it work" attitude returning. Even though it's tempting to jump all over myself and berate myself for all the non-activity, I know that I should be kinder to myself than I want to be. 

I feel more motivated for tomorrow and all that it will hold. It's a process and it's nice to remember that every now again.


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