Back At It + Talking About Self RelianceJanuary 15, 2014
Then again, it's not even the matter of doing things that puts me on edge, but seeing the amount of things I have to do and knowing that I must be totally 'on' for all of them. I have high expectations of myself (I mean, who doesn't?) and doing horrible on a project or doing mediocre on a quiz just isn't me. So maybe, the thing that stresses me out is more like my own sense of perfectionism and the fact that I feel like I must accomplish everything and be one of the better people at it. Blah.
However, despite everything, I'm excited. I should be hearing back about the Ambassador position I applied for in less than a week. You maybe be thinking, "Weren't you just complaining about all of your impending stress? Why would you want to add more to your plate?" That's a valid question, but what you have to understand about me is that I'm a pusher. I push against others and myself to do things...inside and outside of my comfort zone.
This semester I really want to focus on myself in a new way. I want to fill up most of my extra time with the good type of busyness (academics, creative projects, workshops, resume building opportunities, fitness classes, blogging, writing, sorority obligations, etc). I don't want to have all this free time anymore where I subconsciously expect others to fill it up for me (never, let me repeat, NEVER get into a habit of doing this). Acting that way obviously became an easy way for me to get disappointed, quickly and repeatedly. A lot of hurt has transpired this way. I want to get reacquainted with doing things for myself in an entirely self motivated way. I no longer want to feel like I have to wait on anyone else to eat dinner, go to bed or feel the want to tag along on every trip to the mall or grocery store. I no longer want to feel a sense of obligation to others so frequently (especially when it wasn't and isn't returned as consistently) or to feel like I'm on anyone's time schedule but my own. Being in that mindset of waiting on others is dangerous. Though you may not realize you're doing it (I know I didn't quite), it can make you feel powerless and dependent even though half of it is your own fault for giving them that kind of power (swallowing that factoid was a hard one). Looking back, I think this is why I felt so hopelessly stuck so often last semester. It's because I had given away all of my control to various things and people that weren't me and it's been a bit of a journey to regain that sense of control once more - to really re-identify with who I am now in the present. I've been needing to get back to that space of self-reliance and releasing the high expectations I sometimes have of other people to be and act the way I want or expect them to. So this semester, I want to fill my open time with things that are going to challenge me and inspire me and get me back into a good place emotionally. That is exciting and scary and stressful all in one.
Right now I feel myself slowly transitioning, or continuing to transition. It's an odd sensation. I feel like parts of me are growing back that I've previously lost. However, they're growing back differently and in new ways and that's kind of thrilling. Hopefully, I can shed more light on things that have happened in the past and where I am now, but I'm not quite convinced this is the right moment. No matter though. It's a Wednesday and I'm back at it because I want to be.